just a born sinner, the opposite of a winner

im just going to come off as a pretentious materialistic asshole to everyone now 

fuck you all

FUCK i just need to let this out somewhere

i feel really insecure rn

i dont have the best background and that makes me really conserved sometimes and it means im not proud all the time and sometimes it makes me really flustered

i dont lift, well i cant after getting a hernia

im not bulks

im not exactly the smartest and im not exactly fit right now

i dont really have much money, i cant drive, i have a shitty wardrobe

FUCK

why cant i just be a rich kid thats smart and bulks and then i can live my life really ignorant and not have to worry about anything apart from popularity and then i can drink and drive and do dumb shit and fuck around and not have to give a fuck about working at uni and not have to go work at a shitty supermarket this weekend

fuck

i get really bad anxiety when 1) someone knocks on the door 2) my phone is ringing 3) i get mail from unknown people. i dont even want to talk about why. 

why is CHEMISTRY SO HARD SOMEONE HELP ME 

3/5/13

i feel insecure idk. do people like to be around me or is it just because nobody else is around

ive been getting stressed out sorta hard lately

second guessing myself a lot

i havent been doing as good as i wanted to. but ive learnt to keep that to myself. too many competitive people.

so thers a dilemma, cos on one hand im really motivated, but on the other hand i just cave under stress and want to sit and play 2k all day

i keep thinking about dark stuff thats sorta buried in the back of my mind. fuck

positives. my allowance got put through. my dad started working again. i got into pharmacy

i dont even want to complain about the people that i hate even though they barely know my existence . fuck it

3/5/13

i had a lot to say, but now that feeling has sorta fizzled out.

Like I told you sell drugs; no, Hov’ did that
So hopefully you won’t have to go through that

"Too many of us are hung up on what we don’t have, can’t have, or won’t ever have. We spend too much energy being down, when we could use that same energy – if not less of it – doing, or at least trying to do, some of the things we really want to do."

Terry McMillian, Disappearing Acts (via rinaho)

15/4/13

having one of those nights. i cant really describe it. i feel sorta sad. but not so sad. cos it could be worse. ive been really aggro all day though. i want to be super smart. or be super attentive/focused (no adderall) so i can sit and study for hours on end. or maybe i need a hyperbolic time chamber. this weather isnt helping either.

edit; i think its jealousy

my dad started a new job recently. so hopefully itll be alright. ive sorta been lowkey struggling hard for the last couple of weeks in terms of managing my money. sort of had to scab sometimes not bc im greedy but bc i literally have no money in my bank account. but i dont really like to talk about that sorta. 

i always thought i came from an alright area. but now that im in uni and i see how sheltered everyone else is i swear i feel like i come from compton or something compared to everyone else in my lectures.

i know youre going to read this amy. sorry if i dont approach your ic0 table much. i just find it really intimidating. and you know how i can get sometimes inside with the people there. so i just prefer to steer clear

our desktop computer that my parents use just broke down. i think the ram fried.

this just killed my mood for tonight. i just want to sleep now.

12/4/13

im still here. working hard. i didnt do as good as i wanted to in my first test. but at least i passed.

the new krit mixtape is good. but i feel like itll grow on me even more.

i dont really have much to say anymore. its not like things are getting easier, but i only really type posts when i cant handle stuff and im caving. so maybe this is a good thing

king remembered in time.

trying to get that white money you know, counting k-k-k’s…